Hot Tips for Surviving Divorce During COVID
Like many things, the COVID-19 pandemic has had a drastic impact on the practice of law. For months, the courthouses were virtually closed with no end in sight. For divorcing families, this has been an especially hard blow. When things were “normal,” divorce lawyers kept the peace by having access to courts. If a couple needed to separate, we would request a hearing and have the judge make a decision about who should leave the house. If a spouse stopped paying certain financial obligations, we could set a hearing and have the judge punish that spouse with contempt of court. If a party began withholding the children from the other party, we would request a hearing to reinstate parenting time.
This is no longer the case. In many counties, the waiting period to have a hearing can be several months. In some counties, hearings are not being held at all. What does this mean for families who are trapped in the house together, who do not have court orders governing payment of bills, or a parenting plan to outline rules of shared parenting time? Below are a few hot tips for surviving divorce during COVID:
- Everything you say can, and will, be used against you in a court of law.
Unlike any form of law, family law is the only field of law where the two adverse parties are living in the same household. Everything that is said and done could potentially be evidence. During COVID, the tensions are likely to be higher than normal. Not only are divorcing spouses confined to the same living environment, in many cases, there is no end in sight. This naturally leads to more frustration, more anger, and the potential for fighting. Thus, it is even more important than ever that you remember everything you say can, and will, be used against you. You should always assume you are being recorded, and always behave as if a judge is watching. The same principle applies to written communications. You should assume when writing any text or email to your spouse that a judge might read it. Do not use profanity, insults or threats. What may feel good in the moment can be devastating to your case once a judge reads it.
- Collect evidence while you can.
When a divorce is contemplated or filed, many divorcing parties make changes to their financial accounts. They may change direct deposits, stop paper statements from coming in the mail, or open new credit cards. Keep your eyes open. Watch for funds disappearing from the account or being transferred to an account you have not seen before. Watch the statements that come in the mail. If you have a moment, look through your household filing cabinet and make copies of important documents like tax returns, social security statements, real estate records and financial statements. Save these items in an online file or forward them to a trusted relative. Always have a back-up, and do not count on saving evidence on your phone. It can be easily deleted and is gone forever.
- Change your passwords.
This goes without saying. Most “inadvertent” email surveillance comes from a so-called “family computer” that was not password-protected. The number one excuse we hear is, “The e-mail account was left open on my laptop” or “the kids were playing on the iPad and my spouse’s e-mail was unlocked.” Change your passwords to e-mail accounts, personal financial accounts, and importantly, social media. This is especially important because any such communications you have with your lawyer are privileged, and your spouse is not entitled to access them. Further, if you knowingly communicate with your lawyer in an account to which you know your partner has access, you could potentially compromise the confidential nature of your attorney/client communications.
- Be mindful of little eyes and ears.
The most devastating aspect of a divorce is the collateral damage that may happen to children. They are especially sensitive to fighting, name-calling, and will usually blame themselves for the divorce. It can be difficult, in the heat of an argument, to stop fighting or to even care if the children hear something bad about your spouse. Maybe you feel like your complaints are true, such as if you have uncovered infidelity, and you “want the children to know the truth.” Children are innocent in this process. Treat them accordingly. If anything, behavior like that will harm your child custody claims and only hurt your children long-term. Children of divorce may even tell you that they were just as hurt by the parent making the damaging statements as they were by the misconduct of the other parent. A child is one-half of each parent, so if you tell a child one-half of them is “bad” or “evil” or “manipulative,” you can only imagine how they might internalize those comments. Be mindful of conflict in front of them and do your best to keep the peace.
If you are contemplating divorce and have concerned based on the COVID-19 pandemic, please give us a call. You are experiencing the same questions many of our clients are, and we are here to help.